For hundreds of years people believed that the Earth was at the center of our solar system with the Sun and the other planets revolving around the Earth. The person in active addiction lives with the same belief in that everything and everybody revolves around them. The problem is that no one understands them and what they’re going through. Were these people born with an extreme self-centered attitude that lead them to their addiction or did their addiction create this self centered victim? Doesn’t really matter, does it?
All of my life I felt unsatisfied, it was like a dark cloud that was always over my head. No matter what it was, it wasn’t enough. I never felt satisfied until I started getting high and when I was high the cloud was gone and it was all sunny skies. When I came down from the high the cloud moved back over my head once again, bigger and darker than before. Why did everyone else seem to be basking in the Sun while I walked around with this dark cloud following me wherever I went. It just wasn’t fair and that really pissed me off. Anger became a good friend of mine as well as envy and jealously, they were all I had.
Anyone could see that I had to escape from under this cloud of dissatisfaction, this curse I had to live with. The answer was a simple one, get high every day from morning till night and all will be well. It didn’t matter to me if I broke the hearts of those who loved me because they didn’t understand. It didn’t matter to me one bit if I had to lie, steal, cheat to keep that cloud away. I kept on falling into the same deep hole again and again, even when I saw the hole I fell in anyway. Same old road with the same deep hole, this went on and on for many years until I just couldn’t do it anymore. I ran out of steam, it was that simple. Desperation never did it for me, I was desperate hundreds of times but I always had the steam to keep falling into that same hole again.
It all started to change when I started to walk down the road of recovery. I live a life of recovery now and when the cloud is over my head I know what to do. I go and help someone else and the cloud is gone quickly. It’s called gratitude and thinking how I can help someone else.